I think I can comfortably say...

..that I am currently living in my own personal version of hell. I just don´t get it. Whoever said that I am living in a clean culture was full of it. Granted some families are very clean there are a vast majority who in my opinion just don´t give a shit. For example, there are waterbugs in New York but there are none in my house. Wanna know why? Because I am fucking clean and do not leave open tanks of water everywhere. That´s why!!!!! I am currently living in my new site and can also say that I am miserable. I just want to hide in a corner and cry but there´s no hiding in this country because I´m the tallest, whitest thing for MILES. I can´t even write this blog anymore because I seriously might have a nervous breakdown. There is no water. I am dirty. It is about 100 degrees here. I am black with dirt and cannot wash any part of my body. I am going to go now before I really lose it. Oh yea...Merry Christmas by the way.

Completely unrelated to the Peace Corps...

I have feelings that exist outside of my experience in the Peace Corps...I think. I have already talked about sacrifising peices of my identity to assimilate to this culture. I am currently on cultural strike. I will not eat a ton of rice, I will not sacrifice my almost 27 year old body because you do not understand the meaning of POCO!!! I don´t know what´s going on right now in my life. I might not be staying at my current site for much longer and I am really conflicted about the whole situation. The reason they are contemplating moving me are very good but I can´t help but feel guilty about the situation. I don´t know, unfortunately, I really don´t have much to say. I miss my mom, my dad, my nephews and neice, my family in Lima, my friends in the states, my friends in the Peace Corps, my friends in the World...etc. Leaving Lima was really difficult and I look forward to returning.

Site visit...

I'm not even sure what I am supposed to say whenever I write these things. Do I fill them with all of the silly little anecdotes experienced in my daily Peruvian life, do I bore y'all with the awkwardness that comes with being an American in a different culture, or do I share the multiple personalities I have encountered within myself in the past 8 weeks. I really don't know. As a solution to all of the above I have decided to share what is in my heart which quite honestly is the only thing I know how to share.

As I have mentioned before there are lots of ups and downs in this journey. What I have learned this past week is that not only is my experience a means to an end but it is also a life changing experience. I'm not sure I am the same person and I am expressing that only after 8 weeks. Which means in all reality I probably will not even recognize myself in 2 years.

My friends here are amazing and I honestly do not know what I would do without them but I guess I am about to find out. I don't think I am allowed to tell you where I will be living for the next two years but I will tell you this....it's far from where I am now, it's hot, and there's malaria. I am moving next week and I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared SHITLESS but I'll be fine and I know that.

My new home is amazing and the people are great. There is a lot of work to be done and all I can do is hope and pray that I make a difference in this community. I don't have many pictures because I was a bit camera shy when I first arrived but here is a pic of 2 out of my 3 brothers...

Back from Paracas...

I spent the past week in Field Based Training for the Peace Corps. WatSan's training took place in the Department of Ica which is where the last major earthquake in Peru was. A year has passed and the distruction is still very evident. It has taken me a full 24 hours to process what I saw.

Our hostal was in a town called Paracas which is set on the beach. The whole experience was amazing...really it was. We had the opportunity to work with an NGO- Tierra de Hombres and UNICEF. It was really quite cool. We had a lot of contact with the members of the community and all around had a really great experience.

This whole experience in the Peace Corps has so many ups and downs it's crazy. A week can pass that is perfect and I can be so happy and one morning I wake up and things are different. I can't understand it. There are so many obstacles that one must face when living in a different country, experiencing a different culture, etc., but there are some things that one shouldn't have to experience. I have given up a lot in Peru. I gave up a lot to be here and I have given up plenty since I have been here. Parts of my identity that really make me who I am and I am still happy. I know it may not seem so by the tone of this blog but I am. It's just that there is a line that needs to be drawn at some point. Right? I draw the line between my personal and professional life, as I always have. My writing in the this blog is cryptic for ridiculous reasons but if we are friends most likely you already know what I am talking about.

On a totally different note, I returned on Saturday night and my family had no idea that I was coming back. When I walked in the house they were more than thrilled that I had returned. It felt soooooo good because I had missed them so much. Maybe that's why I feel like this...because it's almost over. I don't know. My little sister even went so far as to make a sign and put it on my door. I think I almost cried when I saw it.

Well, now my little sister is standing above me begging me to play with her...so I have to go :)

Today...

Every day is different, I guess as most days are. Today I have a headache. Spent some time at the Casablanca today which could basically be described as a small farm run by an old Peruvian couple one of whom graduated from Cornell. Crazy shit! I mean literally crazy shit! The farm has run off energy from guinea pig shit for the past 14 years. I don't think I have mentioned this before but Peruvian's eat guinea pig's. They are called CUY. Cuy shit is also very useful. It can be used to cover up the smell in the latrine's, in making compost and in being turned into a gas for energy. CRAZY SHIT!!!! Anyhow, after the farm we went to lunch at a place in Chaclacayo which has subsequently become my favorite Cebiche restaurant. Delicious! Hung around for a while afterwards eating cake and drinking beer. It's always nice to hang out with good friends. We have a lot of fun. My emotional compass is way off lately and I can't pin point it. I don't feel home sick. There is nothing outstanding about Peru that makes me uncomfortable...what is it? I wish I knew. Maybe I am lying to myself. Maybe it's something that is right in front of my face. I don't know. All I do know is that it will pass. Anyhow...blah blah. La la. I'll attach some pictures :)

Keepin it gangsta...

I would like to preface this entry by saying that I can already feel a little piece of myself becoming lost....

Today was a "feriado" (holiday), in other words, there was no training. Although, the Peace Corps did bless us with language interviews today. Of course I was nervous. I do have to say that my Peruvian family was incredibly supportive. God bless them. My mom even made sure I ate before I left for my interview.

It was a beautiful day today. The weather was incredible. I went to my interview at 12 and was done a half an hour later. I went back home to collect some of my things so I could meet up with some friends for a little outing in Chosica, a town I affectionately refer to as Disney Land. As I was walking back to the training center to meet my friends I made the decision to blast my ipod the way I would if I was on my way to work in the city. Gangsta Rap, Dance Raggae, Hip Hop... AMAZING. It's something I haven't done in a month and when I did it I felt this sense of relief. I had recovered a "pep" that was missing in my step.

I try to explain myself to my family as often as I can. I want them to know who I am. I don't want to lose my identity because I have nothing to be ashamed of. I express myself in the most diplomatic ways possible and I am happy that I have made this decision.

I love the Peruvian culture. I love the way my family likes to hear what I have to say. I love listening to my Peruvian parents, about their epoca (time). I love learning their values and how they feel about the world today.

I refuse to lose myself to the shock that comes along with a new culture. Today was a good day. A really good day. I relaxed with good friends, bought turron (pastry) for my family, had a lovely dinner with my family and topped off the evening watching home movies of my little sisters. Today was a really good day.

Sometimes you have to make yourself vulnerable in order for people to have confianza (trust) in you. Become vulnerable, let down all guards, put yourself in a place you thought you would never go but never lose yourself.

Field Trip!

Today WatSan (Water Sanitation) was blessed with the opportunity to go out into the field. The field basically consists of being dropped off in a town and being told to investigate a water system. Clearly, I am not an engineer by any standards but it gave me the chance to see an actual water system and how it works. More than that I was really impressed by the amount I learned just simply getting the chance to interact in the community and get some real hands on experience. It was refreshing really.

Back on the flip side in what I like to call ¨real life¨my grandmother is in the hospital and not doing so well. All I can really ask for are some prayers. It´s weird cause these things are expected from old people, right? I guess my main concern is that I have a father that´s no more than six or seven years younger than my grandmother. Will this happen to him also? Who know? No sense in really worrying about it. I´ve been keeping busy so it´s easy to push these questions to the back of my mind.

Other than that, things are going relatively well. Had a lot of fun today on the field trip, rocking out on the bus, bringing back the old school if you know what I mean. Making some really great friends here. Lots of time to think which is lovely. Clarity is really important in all of this. Lots of clarity.